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44-07-21 Sade and the Revolver

STARRING: ART VAN HARVEY, BERNARDINE FLYNN AND DAVID WHITEHOUSE
A neighbor gives an old, beat-up revolver to Russell, but before he can play kid games with it, Sade finds it and demands Vic get rid of it, as she is afraid of guns.

However, before the gun is disposed of, Russell takes a couple of stabs at telling stories about how he would react if he were a gunslinger. 

SEE THE SCRIPT (part 1) (part 2)
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This could very well be the best script (at the very least, one of the best) of the Russell-era.

It's not only Russell who doesn't want to get rid of the gun, but you can also tell that Vic wouldn't mind having it stay around either.

However, in every situation in the Vic and Sade series where a gun is involved, Sade becomes worried:
Vic says Russell was "childish" for wanting to play with guns, yet Vic is the "childish" one in the other two episodes listed above (and we know he was extremely childish in the Dottie's New Dress episode.)

In 1944 there was still a world war going on.   We know that not only were men sacrificing their lives for their countries but men, women and children were being senselessly brutalized, bullied, hung, burned, poisoned and otherwise killed for things such as their ethnicity.  And certainly, guns were the number one weapon used in the killing of 60+ million people during World War II.

Vic and Sade writer, Paul Rhymer
There were probably friends of Sade and Vic who had sons that had lost a life in Europe or perhaps Japan when this episode aired - and certainly those listening on their radios knew of someone (probably a handful) who had lost a son during this terrible time in world history.

Today, people are still being innocently slaughtered by crazies with rifles or other handguns and it doesn't even take a war for it to happen.  It happens all too frequently.

Sarah Cole examines the subject of Sade Gook and guns here.

Trivia:

* Mis' Donahue comes to the backdoor in this episode to return the Gook's meat grinder which she had obviously borrowed.  In episode 43-11-29 A Garbage Wagon Pass, Willis Rohrback came over to borrow same.  The Gooks must have a great grinder!

44-05-17 Hyena Grease Needs Deodorizing

STARRING: BERNARDINE FLYNN AND CLARENCE HARTZELL
Pelter Unbleet, hired by Roy Dejectedly, is busy trying to remove the odor from Hyena Grease. The public objects to the odor; (Fletcher: "You can't expect it to smell of violets.") Unbleat needs a workshop and Fletcher suggests Sade's fruit cellar.

SCRIPT (page 1) (page 2)
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Hyena Grease, "the finest preparation for smearing on your shoes there is in the Entire Civilized World," includes, among its ingredients, turpentine, creosote, lampblack and tractor oil. These substances add materially to its potency, but, as one can imagine, they also add to its pungency! Hyena Grease may be a boon to the shoes of humanity, it is no friend to the NOSES of humanity. Pelter Unbleet's aspiration to develop a deodorized version of the concoction is laudable.
However, it was doomed to failure from the start, if for no other reason than Sade has always shown herself more interested in her household's welfare than in that of the civilized world's footwear. She is never comfortable with strangers in the house (as we see when her dear friends the Brainfeebles come to visit), and her basement is already crowded (as we learn when Mr. Gumpox offers her storage space in his stable). Besides, no sensible housewife willingly endures that piquant fragrance. Even the long-suffering Mis' Keller once threw out Uncle Fletcher's stash when he left it on her sideboard (46-07-18 Midsummer Madness.) As the date of that last program indicates, Pelter Unbleet never did find a way to make the stuff fit for the drawing room. But he never adulterated the quality, either In spite of its odor, Hyena Grease remained "The Finest Preparation for Smearing on Your Shoes There Is in the Entire. . .Civilized. . .World!"
Years later, radio comedians Bob and Ray parodied the preparations available for "grunging" up one's appearance by advertising a substance called "Grit." It was intended for white-collar workers who wanted to make their soft, clean hands look as dirty as if they were grease monkeys. It was such an effective product, though, that another product was necessary to remove it; and then another product to counteract the odor of the "Grit"-remover. In the end, bookkeepers who used "Grit" to look tough, also had to buy "Smurge" to get off the "Grit," and "Whiff" to get rid of the "Smurge." Instead of making do in the Gook fruit cellar, perhaps Mr. Umbleet should have offered his services to the better-equipped Bob and Ray Laboratories. Considering Bob and Ray's cast of characters, he would have fit right in! - SARAH COLE
TRIVIA:

+ Fletcher mentions the vest was invented in Sheboygan, Wisconsin by Bob Murphy, younger brother of Pat Murphy, who came from North Dakota where Bob lost all his hair in a windstorm in nineteen-aught-four.

+ Bob Murphy married a woman nineteen years old, chopped up, chewed and swallowed a violincello to win a bet, and finally sat in his bedroom all day long counting his money.

44-05-05 Rish Fish's Short Career

STARRING: ART VAN HARVEY, BERNARDINE FLYNN AND RUSSELL MILLER
Almost the very same story as 39-06-21 Hank's Job Royal Throne Barbershop, except Rishigan Fishigan gets the job instead of Hank Gutstop and Russell Miller is in the episode instead of Rush.

SEE THE SCRIPT  (part 1) (part 2)

32-12-13 Rush Teaches Solitaire Rummy

STARRING: ART VAN HARVEY, BERNARDINE FLYNN AND BILL IDELSON 
The boys are sorry that they convince Sade to play cards as she holds up the game (completely); meanwhile, Vic gets mad at Sade because she's such a ninny, only Rush thinks they are joking - pretending to be like the Flemmings (who always fight when they play cards.)

SEE THE SCRIPT
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Run of the mill or below average Paul Rhymer script; it's notable because it mentions the Stembottoms playing cards (apparently) before the days of "500." Also, the Stembottoms are made out to not get along when they play cards.

This script is from 1932, the first year of the show.

By the way, it seems to me that Rush knows that Gov and Sade are actually fighting but it's his talking about other fighting couples that cools them off.

40-08-12 Sade's House is Not the Way She Left It

STARRING: ART VAN HARVEY, BERNARDINE FLYNN AND BILL IDELSON 
Sade's come home from a trip to Carberry and notices the house is surprisingly clean but things are not exactly where they were when she left.

She comes to find out that (mostly) Blue Tooth Johnson made a mess and Rush had to clean it up.  He gets a few things mixed up but for the most part, Sade seems surprised and pleased.

SEE THE SCRIPT
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Vic broke an olive and pickle plate but Sade wasn't in the least bit upset. Fifteen months later, Sade would be very upset when Rush would break her antique pickle and olive shoe and still seething, would even write a poem about it 11 months later to convey her feelings.

40-07-31 Lodge Brothers Ask to Make a Stopover

STARRING: ART VAN HARVEY, BERNARDINE FLYNN AND BILL IDELSON 
Vic has gotten a letter from Robert and Slobert Hink.  They are making a trek from Hoopeston to Peoria (roughly a 70 mile journey) and wish to visit Vic for a couple of days.  They want to go over parade routines and the like.

Sade doesn't like the Hinks' names, much less the Hinks (though she has never met them.)

Vic acts pleasant to Sade so she will feel like a heel.

SEE THE SCRIPT
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Anytime the Hinks are involved, fun is on the horizon.   The episode may remind you of 42-01-16 The Hinks Go West which ran about a year and a half later (it's not a remake or even a twist of the script but the episodes are somewhat similar.)

The Hinks have just bought a brand new car (more evidence that they are "rich." )

Greek Junk:
In hoc agricola spittle ad semper adsit puellorum hunc. Dim-wit non-disputandum cabbage et cetera. Cornucopia est divisa ob cabbage bop. Sinus trubble sint huious dum cluck...'

later ...

In sunt bello nomenclature itch. Oppo dingy dum hobo hunc. Adsit amor skittle blot. 

40-03-08 Rush's Slumber Party Enters by the Window

STARRING: ART VAN HARVEY, BERNARDINE FLYNN AND BILL IDELSON 
Rush's slumber party gets out of hand. There are 12 boys plus Rush.

Rush has tried to do the courteous thing by putting the ladder up to his window, that way it cuts down on the wear and tear of the carpet and prevents the boys from tracking in dirt. What it does though is attract the neighbors, who fear the Gooks might be getting robbed or attacked.

SEE THE SCRIPT
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Thirteen boys can create considerable noise and damage.

Sade is embarrassed the neighbors are calling.

Rush was only trying to do what he thought was the right thing.

40-04-18 Uncle Fletcher is Sending Three Bulldogs

STARRING: ART VAN HARVEY, BERNARDINE FLYNN AND BILL IDELSON 
Sade's Uncle Fletcher sends a letter saying he's sending Rush three bulldogs.

Vic and Sade literally freak out at the notion of having three fierce bulldogs chained up in the basement.

When Rush finds out the dogs are supposed to be his, he pleads (to no avail) with his parents to allow him to have the dogs.

Vic and Sade will have none of it and contact Uncle Fletcher to stop him before it's too late.

SEE THE SCRIPT
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I think this is probably one of the best programs we will never hear - it may be the best.  It looks as though it is one of the most fast-paced episodes that we know about.  It's funny and well-written.

The proposed letter to Fletcher is memorable:
SADE: [Reads] "Dear Uncle Fletcher. Just received your lovely letter. We are all fine an' well. About the bull-dogs I guess maybe you hadn't better send them." That too blunt? 
VIC: It's not blunt enough. Why don't ya start right out, "No bull-dogs." "No bull-dogs, no bull-dogs, no bull-dogs."
As  is the telephone call to Fletcher...
SADE: Yeah, everybody be still. [To phone] Hello? Hello, Uncle Fletcher? Hello? Uncle Fletcher? Hello, Uncle Fletcher this is Sadie, Uncle Fletcher. Yes. Uncle Fletcher, don't send any bull-dogs. I say don't send any bull-dogs. Bull-dogs. [Almost in a panic] Don't send any bull-dogs, Uncle Fletcher.

40-xx-xx Uncle Fletcher Shows His Landlady's Photo Album

Sometime in 1940, probably in very late August or sometime in September, Uncle Fletcher shared the very same photos he shared with the Gooks in the first audio encounter we have with Uncle Fletcher in February of 1941.

We know this because Vic says under his breath to Sade. "These are the same photos he showed last Summer."
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The whole family was probably in attendance but we just don't know.

The date is unsure and the title is one I made up for identification purposes only.

44-06-05 No One Missed Uncle Fletcher

STARRING: ART VAN HARVEY, BERNARDINE FLYNN, DAVID WHITEHOUSE AND CLARENCE HARTZELL
Uncle Fletcher arrives at the Gook house at breakfast time and it slowly dawns on Vic, Sade and Russell that Fletcher has been away in Dixon for a week.

SCRIPT (page 1) (page 2) (page 3)
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Uncle Fletcher relays one of the benefits of Hyena Grease: removing grass stains from doilies!  Why would there be grass stains on doilies?   You have to love writer Paul Rhymer's humor.

In the first half of 1944, Uncle Fletcher was obsessed with Hyena Grease.

39-07-13 Vic Explains How a Doorbell Rings

STARRING: ART VAN HARVEY, BERNARDINE FLYNN AND BILL IDELSON 
Mr. Erickson, the Gook landlord, gifts Sade with a brand new doorbell.  Vic is going to install it but wants to school Sade and Rush on how the thing works.

As usual, they aren't really listening and instead want to either tease Vic or Vic simply isn't explaining it the right way.

Either way, he quietly gets infuriated with them, just as Rush was infuriated with Nicer Scott earlier in the day.

SEE THE SCRIPT
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Nicer claims to have no sense of taste. He also claims to have 89 pairs of pants in cold storage (what is with Paul Rhymer and pants in cold storage?)

Vic says in this episode:
VIC: I know electric bells like I know the palm of my hand. 
This in reference to the doorbell gift Sade received from Mr. Erickson.  Recall there was the time that he could not fix the Donahue doorbell.  And many clocks have alarms, even electric ones.  And we know the problems Vic has with clocks.

39-06-21 Vic Memorizes Lodge Ritual

STARRING: ART VAN HARVEY, BERNARDINE FLYNN AND BILL IDELSON 
Vic needs either Sade or Rush to listen to him recite his lodge ritual.  It's soon apparent that Sade won't be any help, so the job is foisted upon Rush.

While Vic recites, Rush annoys Vic by pointing out the many typographical errors.

Finally, Vic, upset that the can't even run through more than just a few lines, scurries off upstairs so he can be alone.

SEE THE SCRIPT
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This is a funny script.  Sade halfway sabotages Vic while Rush does it without really meaning to.

The only parts of the ritual we learn from the script:
Hurry to the splashing fountain, maidens. Dabble your pale feet in the crystal water an' weave garlands of roses. The heroes have returned from the fray an' will shortly squat before the camp-fire to pow-wow an' parley."
 

Ah, here they are now! An' our Exalted Little Dipper leads them. Sky-brother Franklin Gutstop, take your station. Instruct your followers to throw their tired bodies on the grass an' rest. Sing a song of courage...
It was mentioned that Rush would be spending the next week in Carberry (June 25th - July 1st.)

Rush and Sade were playing Rummy; Sade is a terrible player and we have learned in other episodes that she dislikes the game.

Miss Gregg is a secretary (and a bad typist) of some sort for the lodge.

39-03-01 Rooster's Block of Theater Seats

STARRING: ART VAN HARVEY, BERNARDINE FLYNN AND BILL IDELSON 
Rooster Davis is about to "rock the foundation of civilization" again with a stunt that's never happened before in the history of the United States: he's going to rope off a big section of the Bijou, come in wearing a big long coat with a fur collar and be the biggest bigshot ever.

Vic and Sade, at first, deduce a scheme to get out of studying, but slowly they are sucked into the drama that Rush is able to create - and by the end of the script Vic and Sade have made plans to go to Bijou to watch the proceedings.

SEE THE SCRIPT
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Paul Rhymer wrote many scripts 1937-1940 where Rush takes the lead role and tells a tantalizing story about one of his friends.  Those stories are some of the best; this one being no exception.

Rooster has a bit of his big brother Rotten inside of him!

44-05-31 The Fascinating Allen McClutch

STARRING: BERNARDINE FLYNN AND RUSSELL MILLER
Russell plans to study algebra with Allen McClutch. Allen is the most fascinating character that Russell ever met.
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Allen can make his elbows touch behind his back, he's had his tonsils out twice, he's never been to a dentist, has never tasted strawberries, uses a whole teaspoonful of stickum on his hair on Sundays. Also, a chunk of ice in his mouth don't make his teeth ache, and he's got a grandmother with a black mustache. (Lives at 1218-1/2 West Oakland Avenue, way out past the railroad tracks - if you stroll under the Olive Street viaduct and glance at the concrete abutment you'll see printed in letters 3 feet high in bright red paint the name "Allen McClutch.") In all probability he'll be wearing a bandage on his head, which he does to mystify the public. His father's a machinist at the C & A shops. His family moved from Sanderson, Minnesota. He swallows ice cream without either leaving it melt in his mouth or chewing it. When he uses the telephone in public he holds the transmitter to his ear and talks into the receiver to further mystify people. He enjoys annoying people by poking them in the stomach and saying, "How's the old breadbasket?"

Russell: "Allen McClutch wouldn't any more lower himself to use the back door than a rabbit." - compiled by Barbara Schwarz, edited by Jimbo Mason

4x-xx-xx Dwight Twentysixler's Locomotive

Dwight Twentysixler worked for the railroad for 50 years.  Each day he took home a piece of a locomotive.

Eventually, he had put together an engine in his backyard, to the amazement of his friends.
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This gist of an episode was relayed to Carl Reiner via Bill Idelson during the 1960's when the two worked together on The Dick Van Dyke Show.

39-02-17 Bess's Letter - the Gumpox Petition

STARRING: ART VAN HARVEY, BERNARDINE FLYNN AND BILL IDELSON 
Mr. Gumpox is thinking of resigning from his position as garbage man in town because he feels he's not being paid enough money. 

But not really. What's he's actually doing is circulating a petition that says the citizens do not want him to quit and don't want the city to accept his resignation.  And if he doesn't get 600 names on the petition, he won't even threaten to resign.

READ THE SCRIPT
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Meanwhile, Sade has another letter from her sister Bess to read to her family; they suggest to her that whenever she has a letter from Bess to read that she gets a chip on her shoulder.

Francis Kleek was mentioned.  He was a very absent-minded fellow from Dixon that used shoe-horns to get his shoes on with and then forgot to take them out.

Gumpox was once dubbed the Grand Old Man of Garbage by the citizens of Dwight and Streator.

Jim Sizemore (Doodlemeister.com) has graciously allowed me to re-post his article about this episode here:


THE GENIUS OF PAUL RHYMER
Paul Rhymer's knack for writing dialogue is nowhere more evident than when a character delivers a telephone monologue. Sometimes it's Vic on the phone curtly dealing with a salesperson or a wrong number, or Rush gabbing with Bluetooth Johnson, Nicer Scott, or another of his buddies from the neighborhood. Most often, though, the telephone monologue falls to Sade when she's home alone taking a break from her domestic duties. The monologue I've chosen as representative is from an undated script, most likely from the early 1940s, since Sade's amiable Uncle Fletcher is featured. Uncle Fletcher joined the show as an on-mike character around that time, and here makes one of his slapstick entrances. When he enters, in the company of Rush, Sade's telephone monologue, or "solo," is transformed into a trio. Actually it's a quartet if you count "Ruthie," on the other end of the telephone line.

ANNOUNCER: Well, sir, it's early afternoon as we enter the small house half-way up in the next block now, and here in the living room we find Mr. Victor Gook all by herself. Mrs. Gook is at the telephone conversing with her close friend and confidante Mrs. Frederick Stembottom. Listen:

SADE (to phone): I didn't take you away from anything, did I, lady? Well, ish, I haven't really got anything to say now that I've called you. (giggles) Yes . . . well, what happened I went like a house a-fire all morning long and done nine million jobs around the house and then got dinner and pitched in on my upstairs the minute the boys left for the office an' school, and finally did quit and wash and put on a clean apron and then discovered I'd been on the go so much I couldn't settle down. (laughs) You know how that is lady. Person gets theirself all keyed up and they hafta slow down gradual or the boiler explodes. (laughs) Yes . . . so I telephoned you. Hey, maybe that's not very complimentary. (loud lady laugh) No, but you appreciate how I mean, Ruthie. Sure. Yes, isn't it a quiet afternoon. One of them hushedy-hushedy afternoons where a person sits and listens to pins dropping. Little bit ago I was out on the back porch shaking my mop and ‘way off in the distance somewhere I heard some fella say giddap to his horse and I bet twenty-five cents he was clear away over on Chestnut Street and that's eight hundred miles from here if it's an inch. Yeah . . . you run inta real still afternoons every so often. Like Sunday kinda. I was sayin' to . . . say, lady, hang on a second, I think I heard my kitchen door. (calls) Hello? Groceries? You, Irving?

RUSH (off): Hi, Mom.

FLETCHER (off): Afternoon, Sadie honey.

SADE (calls, in some surprise): Well—hello. (to phone) Uncle Fletcher and Rush just walked in, Ruthie. I can't imagine what Rush's doing home from school. (crash in the kitchen) Oh, my goodness. (calls) What happened?

FLETCHER (cheerfully, off) Fell down.

SADE (calls sharply) Who fell down?

RUSH (off, cheerfully): We both fell down.

SADE (not loud): Oh, for mercy's sake. (to phone) What, Ruthie? No, we don't need to hang up. There's no reason why we hafta cut our conversation short just because . . . huh?

RUSH (approaching): Uncle Fletcher tripped on his shoelace, Mom.

FLETCHER (approaching, cheerfully): No broken bones, Sadie, Honey, no broken bones.

SADE (to phone): Well whatever you say, lady. Seems like a shame though. I take you away from whatever you're doing and just because my family busts in we hafta cut short our . . . (giggles) . . . well, ish.

RUSH (coming up): Principal called a special teachers' meeting, Mom.

FLETCHER (coming up): Using the telephone, are you, Sadie?

SADE (to phone) No, you needn't bother to call back, Ruthie.

FLETCHER (gently): Mama's using the telephone, Rush. I'd stop my titters, whimpers, and guffaws.

RUSH (amused): O. K.

FLETCHER (sententiously) When the older folks is using the telephone it's always best to let up on the titters, whimpers and guffaws.

RUSH (chuckling): I'm letting up on ‘em.

FLETCHER: You're a good boy.

SADE (to phone): Well, all righty, Ruthie, whatever you say. Dandy. Fine.

FLETCHER (to Rush, sententiously) There was a little boy in Detroit Michigan neglected to let up on his titters, whimpers and guffaws while Momma was using the telephone and he disappeared and all they ever found was one of his tiny patent leather booties, the tassel singed at the bottom.

RUSH (chuckles): I'll remember that.

FLETCHER (gently): Yes—it teaches us a lesson.

SADE (to phone): All righty then, Ruthie lady, we'll leave it like that. You bet. All righty, Ruthie. You betty, lady. Goodbye. (hangs up)

The Last Word
Even before Uncle Fletcher and Rush enter in this example, Sade's monologue—through Rhymer's word choices and emphasis, including pauses, giggles and laughs—becomes a dialogue. It really is a solo, of course, but written so skillfully that we can almost hear her duet with Ruthie on the other end of the line. clip2Rhymer, by his example—assuming we're interested enough to pay attention—is teaching us how to write humorous dialogue even when what he presents appears, at first, to be a monologue. As with the example above, all his lessons are subtle. If we want what he has to teach us, we have to dig it out. After all, Rhymer's purpose in "Vic and Sade" is not to conduct a writing craft class, he simply want's to entertain us. But sometimes it does seem that he also intends to instruct us directly, as in the following excerpt from a 1939 script. As we join the Gook family this time, Sade is explaining to Vic that she has been asked by Mr. Gumpox, the garbage man, to circulate a petition in the neighborhood. Seems he's unhappy with his rate of pay and will consider staying on the job only if Sade can get six hundred signatures, which he assumes will influence the city to give him a raise.
SADE: Let's see. I think I can remember most of that petition. "We, the undersigned, being in sane mind an' sound body, do hereby command, request, an' implore that Francis Gumpox be retained by the city. As homeowners with a passionate love for a beautiful town in which to live we feel that this community could never stand to lose the services of Francis Gumpox, who knows and loves garbage like no other man on earth."

VIC (laughs): Oh, for gosh sakes, does that guy . . .
SADE: Wait a second, I left out a word. "Who knows and loves garbage disposal like no other man on earth."

VIC (chuckles): Thunder.

SADE (giggles): The other word sounds funny . . . "knows an' loves garbage like no other man on earth."

VIC (chuckles): It all sounds funny.

--  Jim Sizemore Doodlemesiter.com  © 2013 Jim Sizemore

38-12-16 Rooster Davis' New Spectacles

STARRING: ART VAN HARVEY, BERNARDINE FLYNN AND BILL IDELSON 
While the Gooks wait for the noontime meat to get done,  Rush says that Rooster Davis came to school this day, wearing glasses.  That's not a big deal.

What is a big deal is how the glasses were attached to him.  Not by hooks around his ears, but by a very long black ribbon (more than 6 feet long) that was attached to a brooch with fake diamonds!

SEE THE SCRIPT
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The script begins with an unusual letter from Bess; this one goes into a bit of detail about Walter's kneecap and Bess even makes a joke, saying his kneecap has "gone off the reservation" - that is, his kneecap is on the "warpath."

For Bess, who doesn't make jokes (despite her literary "ha ha's")  that was a fairly special joke.

Horse!
RUSH: I could eat a fried horse, harness an' all.
and then later...
RUSH: I'll be delighted to make it plain as a horse
and then later... 
RUSH: I'll be delighted to make it plain as a horse why Rooster's glasses threw a bomb-shell that hit civilization. 

40-11-22 Third Lieutenant Stanley - Bright Kentucky Hotel

STARRING: ART VAN HARVEY, BERNARDINE FLYNN AND BILL IDELSON 
In an episode that will remind you of 42-03-xx Mis' Applerot's Petition, Sade comes home from her Thimble Club meeting upset that Mis' Appelrot hijacked the ladies with a silly petition to knock down the Bright Kentucky Hotel.

SEE THE SCRIPT
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This is actually the earlier of the two scripts and it appears as though the scripts are similar, there was a major re-working done in the other script.

This script does not include Rush saying over and over, "I will not sign!" (the petition) but he does allude to the fact that Uncle Strap and Mr. Gumpox would be out of a job and a place to live, respectively.

This episode is also full of Rush reading from an unnamed Third Lieutenant Stanley novel.  He reads:
Third Lieutenant Stanley gave the villainous crew of counterfeiting smugglers one supercilious glance. Then his eyes softened as he turned and gazed at the oval face of Lady Margaret. The beautiful woman smiled bravely, revealing twin rows of perfect teeth the rich color of old ivory. Her hand trembled slightly as she twirled her dainty pink parasol and her small foot in its fashionable French spat tapped nervously. Third Lieutenant Stanley touched her arm. "Let us share a hug an' kiss before we fight these miserable wretches," he grunted. Nothing loath, the beautiful woman lifted her veil an' thrust her lovely head forward. Jabbering amongst themselves, the counterfeiting smugglers watched the exchange of tender caresses an' there was a burst of rude laughter as Third Lieutenant Stanley began to cry. "Sweetheart," he blubbered, "Five minutes from now I may be dead. But, sweetheart, I want you to know that my love for you transcends everything in...   The handsome young officer faced death valiantly. "You fellows can go jump in the creek, I'm not scared," he growled to the leader of the counterfeiting smugglers. But for Lady Margaret he had a sweet smile an' eyes that twinkled merrily. "Give me one more kiss an' one more hug before I kick the bucket, sweetheart," he gloated. The beautiful woman simpered and coquettishly pretended that the mother-of-pearl buttons on her fashionable French spats had come unbuttoned. Finally, blushing furiously, she lifted her veil an' thrust forward her lovely head. "Just one hug an' one kiss now," she warned an' Third Lieutenant Stanley howled loudly his satisfaction an' approval.
The best part of the book was a part he did not get to read, but instead, gives us the juicy details:
The counterfeiting smugglers try to murder Third Lieutenant Stanley by tying him to a tree an' smearing melted marshmallow all over his clothes an' releasing two grizzly bears from a cage. Grizzly bears are very fond of melted marshmallow so it looks like curtains for Third Lieutenant Stanley.
While in the world of Vic and Sade, ridiculous things happen to all of the characters, the things that happen to them must not break the laws of physics or nature - that is, the world of Vic and Sade is a real world.

The world of books and motion pictures, however, go beyond ridiculous, even in the world of Vic and Sade.  The marshmallows and the grizzly bears are an example of this, as are most Third Lieutenant Stanley novels dealing with animals.

There is a story in this episode about Mr. Gumpox that is well worth pointing out.  Rush explains:
He'll be asleep an' a fast passenger train'll flash by the Bright Kentucky sixty or seventy miles an hour an' by George the building starts to shake from the vibration an' he'll ride all around the room in his doggone bed just like you'd ride around in an automobile. One time he rode right outta the bedroom into the hall-way. Woke up the next morning in the hall by the fire-escape, thirty-five feet from the spot where he'd retired.
In an audio interview conducted in the 1970's, Jean Shepherd relayed this same story, but confused Gumpox with Rishigan Fishigan. [There may have been an episode like this about Fishigan, but consider that we know that Fishigan lived on the penthouse floor and the ground floor would be much closer to the trains than the penthouse.  It is also inferred that Fishigan was the only roomer on the penthouse floor.  So we assume that Shepherd was simply incorrect.]

37-03-16 Rush to Have Stranger as a Bed-mate

STARRING: ART VAN HARVEY, BERNARDINE FLYNN AND BILL IDELSON 
The Donahues are having loads of company.  There's not enough room for one of her visitors - the driver.  So Sade offers to put him up over at her house.  More specifically, Rush's bed.

When he finds out about it, Rush doesn't squawk.  But he does get upset that Sade wants him to go to bed before it's even dark so that he won't be making all kinds of noise when he would normally go to bed after 11 pm. This stranger has to get up at 5 am.

This makes Rush feel put out.

SEE THE SCRIPT
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This is a funny script.  I really enjoyed the last few lines, which read like this:
VIC: Good night, Pete.
SADE: Good night.
VIC: I say good night, Pete. [To Sade] Guess he don't care to answer.
SADE: [negative] Uh-uh.
VIC: [Little chuckle]
SADE: [Little chuckle]
VIC: [Bigger chuckle]
SADE: [Bigger chuckle]
VIC: [Little laugh]
SADE: [Little laugh]
RUSH: [Through clenched teeth] That's O.K.
Even though they are just kidding, Vic and Sade laugh at Rush and mock him, making fun of the fact that it's him being put out, not them.

Before being called downstairs to be told the bad news by his mother, Rush said he was upstairs "tapin' a baseball."

I assume this to mean he was fixing a baseball that had it's hide torn off - something I've rarely come across in my life. The fact of the matter is, this probably could only happen to a baseball that had seen a lot of action.

Baseballs weren't cheap in 1937. I'm guessing a baseball might cost as much as fifty cents. As Sade might say, Fifty centses don't grow on trees, Mister Man.

xx-xx-xx Uncle Fletcher's Piano Gift

Uncle Fletcher graciously gifts the Gooks with a piano for Christmas.  There's just one problem; it's in pieces and scattered all over the Midwest.
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Clarence Hartzell told this story in an interview.  (((HEAR)))

We can assume the episode took place before Hartzell ever joined the cast.  Stories about Uncle Fletcher and letters from him were known to exist in episodes years before his actual arrival.

Therefore, the date is not known.  The title was one I gave the episode, purely for identification purposes.

39-05-01 The Donahues Move

The Donahues, leaving a ton of coal in their basement, move away from Virginia Avenue.
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We don't know why, exactly, but we do know the move was short-lived and that the Donahues move back to their old house right next to the Gooks.

We know the date of this episode because it was mentioned in a conversation in episode 39-04-26 Sade's New Luggage.

The title, however, is one made up by me, purely for identification purposes.

42-xx-xx Uncle Fletcher Drops by for a Visit at 5:30 AM

STARRING: ART VAN HARVEY, BERNARDINE FLYNN, BILL IDELSON AND CLARENCE HARTZELL  
The Gooks are awakened from their 5:30 AM slumber to find Uncle Fletcher outside on their porch knocking on their door.  He's leaving by train to go to Dixon to visit some folks.

SEE THE SCRIPT
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The always-socialable, "thoughtful" Fletcher Rush just wants to say, "goodbye" before he goes.  5:30 AM or PM - it makes no difference to Uncle Fletcher.

Uncle Fletcher tells the story of Henry Fedrock: Left Belvidere in 1909. He moved to Albuquerque Colorado, married a woman twenty-eight years old, went bail for his brother-in-law that skipped the country, invented a fingernail file that run by electricity, and yes, later died. Wake him up out of a sound sleep and tell him something and he'd agree with ya and talk back intelligent as a horse an' the minute your back was turned he'd fall right back on the bed again.

36-xx-xx Rabbit Hunting from the Back Porch

STARRING: ART VAN HARVEY, BERNARDINE FLYNN AND BILL IDELSON 
Vic brings home a gun he's borrowed from a friend.  One day they are going rabbit hunting.  Meanwhile, Vic wants to practice shooting off the porch but Sade, who dislikes guns, forbids it.

Then Rush comes home and pretends with his dad that they are shooting the gun.

SEE THE SCRIPT
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Vic is very childlike when it comes to certain things.  A gun is one of those things.

Sarah Cole examines the subject of Sade Gook and guns here.  

37-xx-xx Schoolmate Phones Sade from Bus Station at 4:20 AM

STARRING: ART VAN HARVEY, BERNARDINE FLYNN AND BILL IDELSON 
The Gooks receive a phone call at 4:20 in the morning.  It's Sade's old chum Myrtle Frummer from Dixon (now living in Michigan.)  She is on a bus trip and the bus made a stop and so she thought she'd call Sade.

The whole family (and their neighbor, Mr. Donahue, who sees the lights on and comes over, thinking the worst) are bewildered by the call.

SEE THE SCRIPT
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Myrtle is a scatterbrain, but was only trying to be thoughtful. 

Haven't we all had a situation similar to this in our lives?

44-05-26 Please Pass the Gravy

STARRING: BERNADINE FLYNN AND CLARENCE HARTZELL
Pelter Unbleet is upset.  He's been sitting on the garbage box all day, upset that his landlady, Mis' Harris, is suing him for back rent.  She ignored his request to pass the gravy at breakfast.

SCRIPT (part 1) (part 2)
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Trivia:

+ Uncle Fletcher: "There's so much electricity in the air you can hear it cackle." 

xx-xx-xx Fred's Lawn-mowing Scheme

Under the pretense of "500", Fred Stembottom tries to trick Vic into help mow his lawn.
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Mentioned in the episode, 44-09-12 Changing Stembottom's Tires.

The date is unknown. The title is one I gave to the episode purely for identification purposes.

44-09-08 Fred and Vic Argue Politics

September 1944
In episode 44-09-12 Changing Stembottom's Tires, Sade refers to an argument that Vic and Fred Stembottom had while playing "500."

The argument was about "Democrats and Republicans."
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Sade refers to the argument as having happened on the previous Friday, which was September 8.

xx-xx-xx The Marching Team Disintegrates

Somewhere between September 1942 and early 1944, the All-Star Marching Team totally disintegrated.

You can trace the roots back to when two members where kicked off the team.  Those two members were I. Edson Box and Harry Fie.  Their two replacements were Hermie Wermie (who was no trouble whatsoever, it appears) and E. Tyson Stoogie, who was big trouble. His arrival to the team brought things even further.

The team disintegrated more when Robert and Slobert Hink began undermining Vic and trying to cause trouble; first, they had a get-together in Hoopeston without Vic, then they tried to bribe Hunky J. Sponger to get rid of Vic.
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The date above has to be accurate, although I realize there is more than a year between dates.

The title is unknown and was given by me purely for identification purposes.

42-07-xx Ten Years of Christmas Card Poems

STARRING: ART VAN HARVEY AND BILL IDELSON

Vic and Rush make up Christmas Card poems for the years 1943-1952.
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This episode was referred to in this episode.

The month and year are assumed correct, according to what Rush said in the above episode.

The title is my own and given strictly for identification purposes.

xx-xx-xx Wide-brimmed Hat "Mistake" Plot

Sade tells us in this episode that Vic comes home with a wide-brimmed hat and he gives the excuse that he accidentally picked it up by mistake at a restaurant.
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This episode had to take place before June 19, 1940, the date of the episode mentioned above.

The title is one I have given to this episode, purely for identification purposes.

xx-xx-xx Wide-brimmed Hat Sent Out on Approval

Sade mentions in this episode that Vic once had a wide-brimmed out sent out to the house "on approval."
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The episode had to have taken place before June 19, 1940.

The title is my own creation and is used for identification purposes only.

37-02-04 Smelly Clark to Change His Age from 16 to 21

STARRING: ART VAN HARVEY, BERNARDINE FLYNN AND BILL IDELSON 
Rush practically demands his parent's attention.  He has big news: Smelly Clark wants to change his age from 16 to 21 so that he can become a barber.

Smelly is disappointed that all he can currently do around the shop are menial tasks, such as sweep up.  If he could legally change his age - like people change their names - he could become a barber.

SEE THE SCRIPT
HEAR A READING OF THE SCRIPT (by Shambles Constant) 
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I'm guessing that Smelly failed to legally change his age since instead of acting grown up in future episodes, he remains a 15 to 16 year old kid.

Smelly's ambition to be a barber would later lead him to butchering Rush's hair.  Perhaps it's a good thing he didn't get his age changed.

44-04-24 Howard, the Runaway

STARRING: BERNARDINE FLYNN AND RUSSELL MILLER
  • In the alley behind Graham Street, Howard suddenly bolted – all the way to Seminary Avenue. 
  • Russell: "…shrill screaming and high-pitched yells of wild-eyed people."
  • Russell: "Howard lost a good many true friends by his rash action."  Mr. Gumpox cried at having been betrayed by his old friend.
  • Smelly Clark thinks Howard did it out of boredom, Heine Call thinks he was startled out of an exciting dream. Oyster Krecker thinks he was just blowing off steam.
  • Mis' Razorscum thinks he was probably bit by an insect (also Sade's idea).
  • Russell resolves to stand by Howard unless and until "it's proven his action was deliberately malicious."
  • Russell (about Howard): "He's innocent as the new-mown hay." - compiled by Barbara Schwarz, edited by Jimbo Mason
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Howard is a horse most everyone loves.  But at this point in his life, he was a bit of a dangerous creature.

Two months later, he would knock holes in two garbage boxes, perhaps the product of getting loose and creating helter skelter.

37-02-16 Preparing for a Visit from the Brimmer Family

STARRING: ART VAN HARVEY, BERNARDINE FLYNN AND BILL IDELSON 
The Brimmer family - with their six destructive children - are on their way over to the Gook house.

The Gooks have just a few minutes to hide all of their frail items: such as the pickle and olive plate (which Rush would later destroy by accident and be guilt-ridden by his mother for literally months.)

SEE THE SCRIPT
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If this situation has ever happened to you, you know what the Gooks were feeling.

Despite the fact that the entire Brimmer brood (except the charming Verna) is destructive, the Gook put on their best face for their arrival.

Meet the Brimmers:
  • Mis' Verna Brimmer: A nice lady; the wife of Orval.
  • Orval Brimmer: The head of the clan; has shoes with nails in them.  The floor by the davenport where he sat last time is criss-crossed with grooves.
  • Kennedy Brimmer: The devil of the bunch.  The last time he was at the Gook home, he took a broom and bashed two light bulbs; then he took the broom and rammed it into Sade's stomach.
  • Stobo Brimmer: The last time he was at the house, he had "swimmer's ear" and banged his head against the plaster, breaking it into pieces.
  • Foster Brimmer: He shaves 5 times a week now.  Last time he was at the Gook house, he drew on their picture of William McKinley with crayons.
  • Alvin Brimmer: Always trips over Vic's footrest.
  • Eugene Brimmer: Crawls under the sink
  • Hobart Brimmer: Has sticky candy and made a mess of the curtains last time they came over.
One wonders what purpose the Gooks would have in their William McKinley picture.  It's not a Sade thing, so it must be a Vic thing.

McKinley began the run of four straight Republicans in the White House unil the Democrats took over dominance.  Vic is a Republican?

We are fortunate to have an audio re-creation available by the American Radio Theater:

Hear the re-creation audio

33-09-04 Vic and Rush Make Molasses Taffy

STARRING: ART VAN HARVEY AND BILL IDELSON 
Vic and Rush are home alone and Vic tries to stop the trouble before it begins, sternly warning the young Rush to quietly read his book so that he can settle down on the davenport with his newspaper.

Nine year-old Rush quickly gets bored with his reading material (A Survey of Asiatic Religions from the Years 1893-1906) and begins to get the urge to make taffy.

Rush somehow talks Vic into letting him make it, although Vic is so worried about what will happen that he actually winds up being the head chef.

SEE THE SCRIPT (HTML) (transcribed from PDF by Lydia Crowe)

READ THE SCRIPT (This is original, photocopied script, in PDF form, give it a minute to load)

HEAR THE RE-ENACMENT (PQ Ribber and Jimbo)
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The script brings evidence of Rush peppering his dad with lots of questions.  It's hard not to laugh when reading the conversation between the two because episodes we have heard make it easy to 'hear.'

We learn that Rush's dog - Mr. Albert R. Johnson - is kept in the basement.

The exact title of this episode is unknown.  I provided the title for identification purposes only.

33-08-24 Vic Has a Sore Knee

STARRING: ART VAN HARVEY, BERNARDINE FLYNN AND BILL IDELSON 
P. Rhymer
It's a rainy, gloomy day...  The story starts off very sadly as Sade is headed to a funeral for a baby who has passed away, the daughter of a friend, Mis' Evans.

Vic has a hurt knee and is confined to the davenport and therefore cannot attend the funeral.  Rush arrives home and Vic asks him to stay and help him.

As soon as Sade leaves for the funeral, all heck breaks loose as Rush first bothers his dad with all kinds of questions about the afterlife but then eventually tells his father what he has cooked up in terms of being kind to his needy neighbors.  Vic is beside himself in no way we have ever seen since!

SEE THE SCRIPT
(this is a PDF file, please give it a minute to load)

HEAR THE SCRIPT
(read by Quaquaversal Satellite's PQ Ribber)
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Probably the funniest thing I have read or heard in a Vic and Sade script.  Link, you might remember, is one of the few people in town we know is "colored" (the word used in the script.)

The main reason is this was 1933 and we have virtually nothing except script synopsis' from this era. This episode features a lot of talk about the Lincoln-Washington family (where "Link" gets his name) that has 14 children and they are expecting several relatives at their house; there's no place for anyone to sleep, so Rush has graciously put two young men (Theodore Roosevelt Lincoln-Washington and his large brother Woodrow Wilson Lincoln-Washington) in Vic and Sade's bed.

It's important to remember the era when reading this script. While today this script may look like racial injustice, 99.99% of the white people in America felt exactly the same way at the time.  In other words, try and look at this episode in a different way than you would look at it today.  That's the only fair way to evaluate such material, in my opinion.

It's also important to note two things about what Paul Rhymer wrote here: first of all, this script started with a very, very sad thought - the death of a baby.  It's shocking that it would begin that way.  But then you read the script and minutes later you are in tears laughing.  I have to feel this was just his unusual sense of humor at work.  The fact that he led his audience down the sad road only to change it up 180 degrees - it is an incredible joke he played on us!  

Another thing: we are given indications even before Sade leaves the house that something funny is going to happen.  Rush compliments her on the way she looks and the family all laugh.

I'll not forget the Bill Idelson interview in the 1970's where he said this: (((HEAR)))

A grocery store, Goelzer's was mentioned; it's the only reference we have of this place.
MOST ASTONISHING VIC AND SADE EPISODE?
Of all the Vic and Sade episodes I have either heard or read, this one has to be the most astonishing! In the span of about eleven minutes, Paul Rhymer manages to explore issues of mortality, immortality, quality of life, apologetics, generosity, racial harmony, and domestic judgement, capping it with a situation as suspenseful as Frank Stockton’s The Lady and the Tiger.
Death has never intruded so brutally into the small house halfway up in the next block as it does here; as Sade prepares to attend the funeral for a sickly toddler. Rush soon corners Vic, who is recuperating on the sofa and unable to escape, with questions about eternity and faith that Vic cannot answer to either of their satisfaction. In spite of Vic’s fumbling, Rush understands the key to a life well-lived is sacrificial kindness, which he proposes to demonstrate, by inviting a friend (and some of his brothers) to share the Gook’s beds. This sacrifice is doubly striking, in that the friend is evidently of African ancestry. Even in the Land of Lincoln the Emancipator, many towns at that time were restricted communities. For instance, even Naperville had at least an informal "Out-of-Town-By-Sundown-Brown" code until after World War II. The Gooks’ town was, at least, more progressive than Naperville, and did not forbid non-white residents. (That family’s living on the other side of the tracks appears to have had more to do with their economic status than with their ethnicity.) The elder Gooks, however, prefer close-knit domestic arrangements, and object to strangers of any kind sleeping in their beds – Sade in particular. She may not be curious or educated, but she did manage her household smoothly.
Vic and Rush both know that Rush’s misguided kindness would not have gone so far awry if Sade had been home. When Sade does unexpectedly appear, what will she do? Will she scream like a panther and oust the strangers from her house? Or will the sentimental influence of that little coffin soften her ire? As in Stockton’s story, the outcome is left to the listener. What a brilliant, infuriating resolution! - SARAH COLE
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The following was written in late Summer, 2013  (Jimbo Mason)

The Vic and Sade episode, Vic Has a Sore Knee, was actually one of the first 25 or so Vic and Sade episodes to ever be on the radio.  It was first done in 1932 and (somewhat miraculously) re-done the next year.

The script is one the strangest you will find in the whole of old-time radio.  This is far beyond the famous "Adam and Eve" skit that somehow banned Mae West from radio for a good 10 years or more.  It is way beyond "The War of the Worlds" or any of that ilk.  I do not consider myself an expert of old-time radio as there are just far too many episodes to hear out there but of the 10,000 or shows I have heard, nothing comes close to this particular Vic and Sade episode.

Was it funny?  I'm not really sure if it was funny or not.  It does not read "funny."  As a matter of fact, it reads several different ways.

In the play's beginning, it must have been quite somber.  A two year child has died.  Not even in the soapiest of soap operas did  authors dare take a two year old baby and "kill" it, even or especially in 1932.  Yet, this is what happens in this episode.

Then we have Rush joking with his mother about how good she looks as she is about to go to the baby's funeral.  I'm not suggesting in way, shape or form there is anything wrong with this but a look at the script when this happens shows clearly that Rush is prodding his mother almost to a blushing point with compliments about her beauty as she is about to step out the door for the baby's funeral.  If nothing else, it's quite odd.

The oddities continue as Rush prods his father with questions about the afterlife.  Vic is uncomfortable with these questions

Then there is the whole racial matter.  I'm not sure how to approach it or even how I see it.  It all boils down to 1932 being a far different time than 2013.  Rush wants to help his less-fortunate neighbors, but even the most open-hearted person can see that he simply does it the wrong way in the script.  He doesn't ask ahead of time, he's got people sleeping in the bed behind the backs of his mother and father and most importantly, his mother is going to be shocked when she comes home to find them there (Sade is not the easiest person to trick or appease.  Sade will be a bear when she finds out and Vic KNOWS this.)

So while this script doesn't really seem to be funny, it probably was very, very funny - so funny in fact that writer Paul Rhymer chose to have the cast do it again less than a year after the first run on the air.

There's no doubt that this script wouldn't fly today and might even cause a controversy.  But it shows you just how far ahead of his time that Rhymer was and always has been.
 ________
The following was written by author John T. Hetherington in an interview with me, May 27, 2014:
HETHERINGTON – The episode is certainly unusual, and the opening does seem rather dark for a comedy. But death is part of life, and unfortunately in the Depression the death of a child was an all-too-frequent occurrence. Here Rhymer highlights some of the inappropriately humorous moments that arise even during dark times, particularly Rush’s misplaced efforts to be upbeat. The second half of the episode, dealing with Rush’s efforts to be kind to his friend Link and his brothers, reads somewhat uncomfortably for us today because of the terminology used—“colored,” “black giants” — and the stereotypes invoked about “lazy” black people. But for its time it is fairly progressive in that Rush more or less manipulates Vic into voicing acceptance of the African-Americans as fellow humans rather than as “colored” people. Paul Rhymer told interviewers that he got most of his details about daily life from his African-American maid Ethel, and perhaps this reflects Rhymer’s effort here to show Rush as more progressive and accepting than his parents.